Tuesday, December 12, 2006


"What would you do if you had x months left to live?"

Its been almost 10 months since cells from my thyroid have been sucked out by a big needle and placed under the microscope. I went for my follow-up today, and these are the words that are stuck in my head: "Thyroid lumps are no fun. It's a lifetime of monitoring. And we are most worried in young people because it may turn out to be papillary carcinoma."

In English, it means: "It may be cancer."

And I have palpable lymph nodes. Yes, palpable lymph nodes. Even the most mediocre medical student knows that palpable lymph nodes are not good news. And I dun have a recent infection. Which means that the nodes may be due to something more sinister.

So I can't help but think...what would I do if I was told that I have x months left to live? I really dunno. So much to do, so little time. I think the first feeling I will get is guilt. 觉得很对不起父母. Spent so much time, effort and money on me, but I cannot repay them. And there are just so many other things... so many things I have not done..so many things I want to do..so many dreams unfinished... I haven even had my first kiss.. Somemore cancer is not a nice way to die... too long and drawn out... a heart attack would be quicker and cleaner.. and I wonder too.. who will come to my funeral.. or mebbe I shouldn't have one.. save money for my parents.. (the checkup alone today already made me $200+ poorer)

Ok I shall stop being morbid. Haiz...its raining again. So dark and gloomy. I think I shall go and take a nap.

posted by nwxiang at 5:01 PM |


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